AphrodisiacEnd's Xanga

The End

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 12:09:01 GMT

We broke up.

This is the end of this xanga.

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You guys can add me to msn or whatever

email me and I'll tell you what it is.

Lea, I was wrong after all.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 12:40:18 GMT

What the fuck is going on? I'm completely left in the dark and worst of all I feel as if I'm being avoided... Ever since Saturday he just vanished and I had no idea what went on. I figured he was asleep as his mom claimed he was so I decided to wait until the next day to give him a ring but he appeared to be not home. So I waited... all day. In the end, I just thought he was busy so I told myself to sleep early so that I can kill time. I woke up a bit ago to and gave him a ring on his cellphone.......................... answered then hung up.............................

Sigh...

Called again and his mom claims hes not home or sleep I don't know.

It seems to me that he needs to be away from me every month.

I wonder what value I'm worth sometimes.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 21:34:11 GMT

Here I go running through empty darkness which seems to only fill my lungs up with subzero cold air. My head spins and feels as if it'll split into two. Eardrums viberating as I hear myself panting heavily with cold sweat. My heart feels ready to explode in anxiety. Can't see anything at all. Running around in circles I go. Wait, am I even going in circles? It seems to have no deadend but a definate assurance of me being absolutely solo. Don't cry. Little girls cry but a woman keeps her sorrows inside. The beatings of my heart increases its speed and volume at the point to make my entire body ache in desperation. Down I fall. The bottom feels cold against my cheek. Hot tears of frustration and panic forms within my eyes. I can't cry. I'm not supposed to cry.

Nobody is around. I guess I can cry then. Just for now...

EH...

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 13:30:07 GMT

>.>

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 05:34:48 GMT

It's funny how history seems to repeat itself whenever I try another strategy to prevent and avoid drama. People seems to like to use something smallest against me and create idiotic reason to point fingers at me as a "bad" friend. I realize that a lot of "friends" I have has high expectations towards me to be always the cheerful, bubbly, and experienced one to always have my heart and arms open wide for them to come and leave whenever as they please. That's kind of mean. Ofcourse I would like to be considered a good friend that is reliable and understanding but even I can't handle having my patience being tested constantly.

Somehow me being quieter and sullen has been causing some issues with assumptions that I'm purposely ignoring them and being closed minded. I've been betrayed by every friend that I trusted and poured every bit of my raw emotions. Perhaps I'm the type to hold a small grudge against them but it really hurt to be indirectly slapped after I opened up. I've been having trust issues with a lot of people and I sometimes wonder if people are just bound to have me around for good months or so and leave me behind after they are finished with me.

I've noticed how people expect me to always be the one to "chase" after them. Approach them first with conversation starter/greeting. I'm sick of that. Even if I were to be upset, I have to smile because I definately know that I'm the emotional type who can't hold tears back. My tears have become too common to effect anyone so I've been working on it to not let it out so easily.

The more I opened up, the less respect, understandment, trust, and etc. I recieve.

But now I'm recieving complaints of me being closed up.

I'm done with you all. Fuck off please.

Someone feels the same...

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 17:38:27 GMT

I realized I have a lot of time when I'm not with him and a lot of sadness clouding over my mind. I started to take the time to trace back few months to see what I've done wrong to deserve being deserted. In fact I looked back up on my previous relationships to see why they all distrusted me. I recalled giving my all and dropping all of my friends to be with them. I cried endless nights fighting to stay in a relationship and prove that I'm a good person who does not cheat whatsoever. Each one of them assumed and left me alone to wonder what have gone wrong. I've spend many times crying myself to sleep, asking myself when will this end for me? I have flaws and I'm clearly aware of that but I have no intention of betraying those I truelly care for. Even if I were to be on my knees and beg, I saw nothing but their backs and the long and lonely dial tone on my phone. Hang up. Get offline. Walk out the door. Happened repetitively at the point I wonder where I really am standing.

What do I get out of all of my efforts? I asked for no reward but to be recognized and also same efforts to be returned to me. I as well have sad moments and yearn to be comforted with gentle voice and reassured that I'm not alone. I, too, am a jealous person but I did my best to not let my crazy imagination let me run through my head. I gave him my all and I trusted him fully. He constantly leaving me brings me down and I feel as if I have to always expect people leaving me now. I noticed that I chase people and I'm always the one begging to be not left behind. Am I supposed to be alone? Am I supposed to be cold and distant so people would stay with me? I thought warmth only brings people closer but it seems to have an opposite effect on me. Another day of me spending time with myself drowing myself in sorrow. Its getting to the point that I feel that if I were to turn away, he'll never run after me and hold me tight as he begs me to stay. I can see that he'll just let me go without a word and pretend nothing occured. This is very unfair. I want to hold onto it so bad and I do what it takes to hold it but I'm constantly being pointed out as a distrustworthy person and someone who should be passed about to "next" person.

I can't seem to understand that part of him as well as my previous boyfriends that distrusted me. The moment, I drop everything for them, I lose trust. I wish I knew what to do at this point. I can give advices to others but their situations are always different with what I have. I took the time and started to read entries of what my friend had recently posted for passed few days. She has been going through so much and all of her words rang loud in my ears. Those are the exact feelings I've been feeling and that just made me burst into tears. She wants to hold onto someone she loves as well and she fears of losing him. She also fears that he'll never come after her if she were to try turning her back on him.

Part of her entry says:
"One of the things that bothers me is that we have so much planned ahead. The rings, the marriage etc. They're all music to my ears but to think of it...Can we really make it if we explode at each other out of little things like these? Maybe we can if the promise was made that we're going to be together forever but are we going to be happy? I imagined myself being married to him and what he said went inside my head, that we were like his parents. I started to wonder even more, i toss and turn feeling sad. I cry everytime we fight, i don't know why but i cry at every small things between us. I get hurt so much from the little things he says to me, good or bad and i really don't know why. I think this is why he feels that I'm always the one who feels victimized because even if I am wrong and he's right, i cry because i get hurt at the things he says. I know people might say that it's because what he said might be true. that could be a possibility but i thought when someone loves you they're suppose to let you see your flaws and correct them and not make you feel bad about them. But i guess that doesn't happen because both of us is quick on the trigger. the difference is that I'm too emotional."

"Honestly, i feel that I love someone who doesn't love me at the same level of how i love him. They say love with all you have, even if it hurts, even if they don't love you the same or think they dont because it comes only once. But I'm scared that i will feel tremendous pain when it's all over because i expected someone to love me so much that they wouldn't let go but didn't happen."

"Why do someone say that they love someone so much when they don't want to be with them during the bad times? I thought being with someone means accepting their flaws or changing them into someone better not making them feel bad about themselves. Am i ready to give myself up? Why do i even ask that if love outweighs fear?"

"I wish he'd just give in when i'm trying to approach. I wish we'd both try to see each others efforts. I wish things would start to change between us, him and I be more mature. At the back of my head is the possibility that our age is a factor why these arguments happen constantly. But what if it's not? whatever happened to those sweet words he said when we were new...Then again i shouldn't point any fingers at anyone, i know i have mistakes too. I just wish someone would tell me whats wrong with me and what i should do."

" Again after the feeling of sadness or anger that i feel. i know i'll always end up with him, just not in the end of the day, maybe the next morning or day whenever he cools off. But i get scared too that he knows about it and that he'd take me for granted. Sometimes i wish i could get myself to distance myself from him for a while for us to realize how much we miss or need each other. But then again i feel that he doesn't need me to live his life, silly me. How i've gotten to be so attached to him scares me. He's all i have and when he's gone, I'll be alive but it'll be painful and i might carry this burden of loving someone til i'm married to another person or til i die. Hmm. I wonder about it. If it happens that we're separated and living our lives completely apart. Would he still think of me? or would he forget about me. Would he hate me because we didn't end up each other or would he not care. It's funny how i think. I think of outrageous stuff, it's inevitable for me. It's like i need a constant reassurance of a lot of things and that i need to be proven right"

____________________________________________

I wish he would stop indirectly calling me a liar and have full trust in me... What can I do though? Once again, all I can do is wait for an answer. Patience is a virtue, isn't it?

Do love really outweighs all? I wish when times are tough he'd hold onto me tighter and fight all those doubts and give me full belief. But that seems to just sound like a wish that I'll only dream of by myself.

I'm not a liar...

A hero or a pest?

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 14:06:09 GMT

What is a hero? A hero is someone who has morals and does what it takes to keep the people secure and happy. A hero has all sorts of jobs. He can be a brave, life-risking firefighter who saves people from raging, hot fire. He can be a teacher who broadens the knowledge of students and shows wonders of the world. He can be a father who works hard labor to keep his family fed and have roof over their heads. He can be an intelligent doctor who saves many people's lives that's being jepordized. He can be a lover who keeps faith upon his beloved woman and tries everything to keep her happy and their relationship steady. People praises these heroes and looks up to them as well as learning from them. However... sadly good backfires as well.

There are people who looks at it the other way and ridicules them. Spiderman was a true hero who tried to keep his MaryJane safe as well as the people in the city away from criminals. But what did some of the people describe him as? They pointed to him as a pest and a villian. They saw him as a crazy maniac in full body mask that flys around the city on web harrassing the neighborhood. Magazine reporters saw him as a nuisance and labeled him as a pest. The Green Goblin took out his hand and asked Spiderman to work with him. The Green Goblin was the first and only person who had given him a chance to not be alone however Spiderman then had to be the bad guy. That is the moment Spiderman would be stuck with a decision to give it all up because of people looking down upon him for being so good or continue on being chased by cops and save people's lives. What to do?

What would you do if you are doing what you can to be a good person with morals and keep your religious belief of not causing a terrible sin amongst the ones you love but your beloved distrusts you and stubbornly punishes you for things you havn't done at all? I feel like a small child being locked up in a dark room alone and people yelling at me for being a terrible child after doing something small and nice for them. I feel so small. I feel so vulnerable. I'm afraid. I want to keep the beloved but the beloved doesn't act the same. I feel so alone. I wish I can be considered a hero as well. But sadly, I'm nothing more than a pest for the person that matters the most.

Lord, help me.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 12:27:35 GMT

Looking back in 2-4 years of my old entries I found this...

"few cracks in the foundation which can lead to its destruction..."

I've forgotten about my old friend who used to advice me during tough times and was always putting herself on both shoes. She taught me a lot to be unbiased and endure issues for the sake of someone you care for. She was wise and mature beyond her age but I didn't realize how lonely and sad she had been until now. It all came back to me. She as well had lost someone she loved 4 years ago and I found out she's still trying to mend her heart recently.

few cracks in the foundation which can lead to its destruction... Yes, she's talking about me. Instead of letting those cracks be filled up by help of someone that loves me, I tend to just let myself break. I need to stop because I ended up hurting someone I really love.

I noticed I have more flaws than I could count. Reality check.

I wish I can turn back time couple of days and make things fall back into place properly. But damage is done, what I can only do now is do what I can and wait for the answer......

Kiyo, am I going to be like you or prove others wrong that a bumpy relationship can be held as long as two people wants it.

Sigh Kiyo... I wonder what you would say about this.

What would you do if you knew you would not fail?

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 14:42:09 GMT

I'd reach all of my goals and live my life with a proud satisfaction.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

school started

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 14:38:10 GMT

-_- and mom still bugging me every single day.